Defensiveness is like acid for relationships – it slowly but surely eats away at the foundation of trust, understanding, and connection between partners. While it may seem like a natural response when feeling attacked or criticized, defensiveness can be incredibly damaging in the long run.
Dr. John Gottman, renowned relationship researcher, identified defensiveness as one of the “Four Horsemen” that predict relationship failure. But why is it so destructive?
1. It prevents genuine communication. When we respond defensively, we’re not really listening to our partner. Instead, we’re focused on protecting ourselves, often by deflecting blame or counter-attacking. This shuts down the possibility of understanding each other’s perspectives and finding solutions together.
2. It escalates conflicts. Defensiveness tends to provoke more negativity from our partner. If one person gets defensive, the other is likely to push harder, creating a cycle of escalating tension that moves the couple further from resolution.
3. It erodes empathy. By constantly defending ourselves, we fail to acknowledge our partner’s feelings or take responsibility for our role in conflicts. This lack of empathy can make our partner feel unheard and invalidated.
4. It builds resentment over time. When defensiveness becomes a pattern, both partners may start to feel chronically misunderstood and frustrated. This accumulation of negative feelings can seriously damage the relationship’s emotional bond.
5. It prevents growth and problem-solving. Defensiveness keeps us stuck in a protective stance, unwilling to examine our own behavior or make changes. This stagnation prevents the relationship from evolving and improving over time.
So how can we break the defensiveness habit? Here are a few strategies:
• Practice active listening. Focus on truly understanding your partner’s perspective before responding.
• Take responsibility. Acknowledge your part in conflicts, even if it’s just a small role.
• Express your feelings directly: Instead of deflecting, share how you’re feeling without blaming.
• Seek to understand, not to win. Approach conflicts as a team trying to solve a problem together.
• Practice self-awareness. Notice when you’re feeling defensive and take a moment to breathe before responding.
Breaking the defensiveness habit isn’t easy, but it’s crucial for building a strong, healthy relationship. By remaining open, vulnerable, and willing to examine our own behavior, we create space for true intimacy and understanding to grow.
Remember, as Dr. Gottman’s research suggests, how couples handle conflicts is often more important than the conflicts themselves. By learning to set aside our defensive shields, we open the door to deeper connection and lasting love.
