Help! I’m Extremely Jealous and Insecure in My Relationship—How Can I Stop?

Have you ever felt insecure in your romantic relationship? Maybe you thought you saw your husband eyeing another woman. Maybe your new fling hasn’t responded to your last text message, and it’s been over two hours.

Maybe your significant other hasn’t given you any reason to feel insecure in the first place, but you just can’t shake the thought that you don’t measure up to their standards.

Insecurity is all about fear, and the more you invest yourself in a romantic relationship, the scarier it becomes.

What if I reveal something about myself she won’t like?
What if he cheats on me?
What if the relationship falls apart, and I have to start all over again?

When thoughts like these start swirling around in your head, you might think you’re going crazy—but trust me, you’re not. Ultimately, any thoughts of insecurity within a romantic relationship boil down to this common fear: What if I don’t deserve the kind of love I want and end up all alone?

If you’ve ever felt this way, you’re not alone! And I’ll bet the other person has felt the same way at one point in time or another. That’s because fear is a fundamental part of human nature. Heck, even the most confident people experience insecurity in their relationships.

The bottom line? We all want to be loved, and when we think we’ve found the one, it’s normal to let fear creep in to prepare us for the worst-case scenario.

And while fear itself isn’t necessarily a bad thing, problems can certainly arise if you let insecurity take the wheel more often than not. That’s why it’s important to decipher whether your fear is warranted—a red flag such as lipstick on your guy’s shirt, for instance—or if you’re allowing the made-up stories in your head take over (“He’s five minutes late to dinner, so he must be standing me up”).

Here’s how to find out if your insecurity is jeopardizing your relationship.

Is Insecurity Getting In the Way of Your Relationship?

If you’re currently in a committed relationship, take a moment to look back on the past two weeks with your S.O. What were your interactions like? Did you have any big fights? Did you experience any suspicious thoughts? Did you feel neglected?

If you’re currently single, think back on your last relationship. What stories did you tell yourself about the other person? What stories did you tell yourself about yourself? Did you feel unworthy to date this person? Were you constantly jealous of other women he interacted with? Did the thought of their ex make your skin crawl?

When insecurity gets out of hand, you’ll find yourself constantly scanning your partner for signs that they’re not paying enough attention to you. No matter how many times they tell you they love you—no matter how often they’re by your side—it will never feel like enough evidence to counteract your feelings of insecurity. You’ll start looking for reasons why your partner doesn’t love you as much as they say they do.

More often than not, these thoughts and feelings aren’t true. And, unfortunately, when you allow yourself to feed into these notions of fear and insecurity, you’re actually creating the situation you fear.

Your Insecurity Is a Self-Fulfilling Prophecy

When you choose to give into your insecurities, you’re choosing to push love away. Instead, when you worry that your partner will leave you, you’re creating tension, and you can bet your partner has noticed. They’ll start to feel like they’re being watched—like you don’t trust or love them. Unfortunately, when this happens, the chances of your significant other leaving you become greater.

So, how can you stop the vicious cycle of insecurity?

You work on loving yourself first.

Insecurity tricks you into believing your partner is the one responsible for the way you feel, but it’s actually quite the opposite.

When you choose to love yourself for who you are, you wholeheartedly accept that you’re deserving of the love you crave. Therefore, when thoughts of insecurity creep in, it’ll be easier for you to dismiss them, knowing damn well that you’re a catch, and any guy would be lucky enough to have you.

Until you learn to love yourself unconditionally, you’ll never feel truly happy in your romantic relationships.

It’s time to take the spotlight off of your partner and place it on yourself. It’s time to commit to loving who you are. And while it may feel daunting or downright impossible, it’s entirely do-able (and totally worth it).

Your relationship with yourself is the most important relationship in your life. Until you know who you are (at the core) and start taking personal responsibility yourself (your feelings, beliefs, triggers, behaviors, etc.), you will never really be able to have deep, soulful connections with anyone else.

That’s where I come in!

When you work with me, I’ll help you discover why your relationships aren’t thriving and what you need to do to get greater fulfillment from them (aka, the self-love stuff). And, I will equip you with the tools necessary to navigate your relationships for the rest of your life. Contact me today to schedule a low-key, no-pressure, no-commitment phone call to see if I’m a good fit for you and to answer any questions you might have.

Lisa Panos

Lisa Panos is a Certified Life Coach and Author who helps people stop struggling and start thriving in their personal and professional relationships. Trained by Dr. Martha Beck (aka, Oprah’s Life Coach), Lisa helps her clients create new, healthy relationships, mend those that are broken, or say goodbye to ones that no longer serve them. She combines highly effective coaching tactics with an explosive arsenal of personal experience that swiftly moves people out of dysfunction and into a place of deep inner strength.


  1. I would like to thnkx for the efforts you’ve put in writing this site. I am hoping the same high-grade blog post from you in the upcoming also. In fact your creative writing abilities has encouraged me to get my own blog now. Really the blogging is spreading its wings quickly. Your write up is a good example of it.

  2. Hi, I was married at 22 (together since about 19 or 20) for 18 years. We have 5 children (3 bios and 2 adopted as young teens). I was in a loveless marriage from the day I got married but I was pregnant again, young etc.(I cried on my wedding day-care story) . We split almost 2yrs ago. Anyway I’ve been with my bf now for 1.5yrs I’m 42 he is 35. I’ve never been so in love, or even knew this feeling was available. However I have found myself riddled with insecurities about my age, my weight, my looks- although I do know that I’m still somewhat attractive, and i still get hit on etc. (I’m a bartender at a trendy younger bar) and I still get by but I definitely feel like I dont belong. I feel like my age is this elephant in the room constantly. My oldest is now married with a baby and one on the way so I’m now a grandmother lol. I absolutely worship him (my grandbaby) but the word grandma makes me want to burst into tears. I feel pathetic about that. My whole life turned upside down with my divorce (that I wanted) and now I’m petrified of losing the man I love. That he will want someone younger in a couple years or even tomorrow. I’m losing my mind and interrogate him like a homicide detective. Sorry to ramble. I just cant take this constant feeling in my stomach of fear, jealousy and insecurity. Its driving me mad. It consumes me. I think I’m going crazy. I have even thought of ending this relationship that I adore so I dont have to worry anymore. I need help. Thank you,

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

take the quiz!


Whether it’s your friend, coworker, spouse or ex—download my free quiz to see if your relationship could use some help.